This past week in Georgia was absolutely amazing and put me in such a good mood. Coming back home I felt like I was on top of a mountain, just happy and filled with peace. But today, in less than 24 hours of being back home I fell off that mountain. Totally hit rock bottom.
At church today while walking in the lobby one of our congregation members who is a close family friend and someone I really love said something to me that pushed me the wrong way. It was just a sarcastic joke but for me it was hurtful. As soon as he said that in a quick instant moment I let me flesh get the best of me. I don’t know what happened and why I behaved in the way I did but anger came out. I started yelling at him in the middle of the lobby with people around. I just couldn’t hold it in for some reason.
I acted in such a disrespectful way. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. He is someone who is 20+ years older than me and I just acted out in a way of disrespect. I am so disappointed in my actions. No matter how much I felt hurt I should have not moved with my flesh but instead with the spirit. I failed to do that.
This all happened moments before I was going into our 1:30 service to give the sermon. I walked into the room and walked right back out and ran into my office to cry. I could not stop crying. I was just filled with so many negative emotions and at the same time was so disgusted with myself. But the service still had to go on.
I walked back in and we started the service. As soon as the worship was over and I stood up in front of our members I couldn’t control myself. Again tears just poured out. How was I supposed to stand in front of these people and give the words of God when just a minute before I was acting out in sin and flesh. I just couldn’t do it. I felt so embarrassed and unworthy to stand before the congregation.
That is when I realized how blessed and thankful I am for these wonderful people. I briefly explained my tears and why I was so emotional. And then they all prayed for me. While I stood there in front of them receiving prayer I encountered how broken I am.
God used this crazy day to teach me. He opened my eyes to my sinful nature. I was able to see that even though I am in ministry and preach His words I am still of flesh. Through that revelation I learned that I need to do all I can to not be controlled by my flesh but only by His spirit.
It’s crazy to see how even through one of the worst moments ever God still used it to mold me and speak to me. I have been so humbled by this experience. I have been reminded that I am broken and that is why I can only do what I do through Him and not myself.
God spoke to me through these verses tonight while I was thinking about everything that has happened.
26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
I saw God today.