Today has been a very unique day for me. It was filled with many internal struggles and endless thoughts. I believe that God took me somewhere that I have never been before which will now be a huge part in my foundation in ministry. In the moments it was very difficult but looking back now I am so thankful.
It has now been a little over a few months since being blessed with having my own service and preaching every Sunday. Honestly it has been a very positive ride through these months. It came to a point where preaching every week seemed easy. There has definitely been times of difficulty and stress but overall has been a good coming.
But today is when God challenged me and took this opportunity to mold me and take me through the refiners fire as a “preacher”.
Starting yesterday while doing my final preparations for today’s sermon something just seemed off. I felt very distracted and unmotivated. For some reason I just didn’t feel like how I usually feel before a sermon.
Then it finally hit 1:30 today and it was time for the message. Today’s service was a little different because a lot of our members are out of town. But I still felt positive without really caring about the numbers.
During our time of worship I came before God and asked Him to speak through me during the message with His words and not mine. But as soon as I started speaking I couldn’t help but just focus on myself and my words. It was to a point where I felt like I wasn’t allowing God to move.
But even though it wasn’t easy I kept telling myself to allow God to speak. But as I continued it only got harder. I couldn’t stop being distracted. It came to a point where I couldn’t even follow my notes and didn’t even know what I was saying. I have never experienced this before.
It got to a point where I pretty much gave up. I rushed the sermon just so I could hurry up and finish. To be honest looking back now I don’t even remember how my sermon went. I ended the message and invited the praise team up and just sat down in my seat lost in negative emotions.
After the service was over I couldn’t wait to just go home. I didn’t feel like myself. But when I got home I just had anger and felt so negative.
I got in a fight with my mom for no reason and let my anger get the best of me. My family went out to dinner and I just stayed home and came into my room filled with emotions.
I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I felt so disappointed in myself that I let my feelings, emotions and distractions get in the way of God’s message. I just felt like I let God down but what really hurt was that I felt like I let my members down. To be honest I felt like I have failed today to do my “job”.
While just laying in my bed with all the lights off I felt the presence of God speaking to me. That is when God gave me a huge revelation that I have been needing to encounter.
I was reminded that what I do isn’t and shouldn’t be based upon me. Preaching and giving a sermon should not be considered an action that comes from my ways. Instead I need to be a broken vessel to allow God to speak His words.
I was too caught up in trying to be perfect. To do my best to speak my words I have prepared. Through that I let my flesh get in the way of God.
Ministry has nothing to do with me. It has to do with God. To be able to put myself down at the feet of God and be directed by Him.
In the midst of my disappointment I felt the warmth of my Father. Even though I may feel like I failed myself I am not a failure to Him. I believe that God used today to just remind me of what it means to be a leader. He used this stumbling block to lead me back into trusting Him completely.
Why do I want to be a pastor? Is it so I can do things for God or so that He can move through me?
At the end of the day God still loves me and He still wants to use me. I should not beat myself up but instead learn from this. This should be a learning experience which helps me grow and be molded into a better disciple. Ultimately I am thankful for today. So thankful that God is wanting to refine me. God is not done doing His work in me.
I saw God today.